Gus-Proof Basket

I’m not saying there are stupid people. I’m saying there are unobservant people. I’m not saying there aren’t stupid people, though.

Sproing

She doesn’t seem to sleep.  No matter how early I get out of bed, she’s dancing with a stuffed animal just out of my reach; approach, retreat, wiggle.  We take short walks in the morning when the streets are wide and empty and the others around are industrial park workers and other dog walkers.  She used to pull against the harness — still does, when we walk with the other two—but now, when by herself, is looser on the leash.  She’s learning “wait” and “okay” at street intersections, and I’d like to think she’s learning “left” and “right” but I think she’s just turning the way I start to turn.

She is Sproing in the bedroom, as that’s how she gets from floor to bed, and Bombshell in the kitchen, as that’s how she enters the dog door.  She has a hummingbird’s metabolism and we don’t know how she stays alive on the minimal food she eats.  She’ll take tastes of kitchen scraps but that’s about all.

Any movement out of the room and her neck elongates.  Where are you going?  Is there something I need to know?  Why are you leaving?  And if the movement is too fast she darts away:  DANGER OF SOME SORT FLEE.

When we walk I try to put on her harness quietly so the others don’t crowd the door asking to join.  Morning walks are for me and Sakura.  Even though she wants desperately to walk she equally desperately doesn’t want the harness on and ducks and dives and contorts to avoid it going over her head.  Once she’s trapped in the corner she resigns herself and even gives me a paw to put into the leg strap.  Then she becomes Goober, as her harness is manufactured by Gooby.

When she wants attention she reaches out with a paw.  Used to be, she would reach out an SCRATCH, often on one’s most vulnerable areas.  She’s learned better.  “Gentle,” I say.  And when she’s delicate, I say “Good gentle! Good gentle, Sakura!”  When I’m on the couch with my laptop she turns catlike:  can I be right next to you, can I maybe be on half your keyboard; what about all of it; does that work for you?  Since she’s the size of a rather large cat, it works well for her; not so much for me.

It took her two months to do so much as do anything but snatch treats that were held out, and occasionally eat some food from a bowl.  Otherwise she stayed well away from the two of us, and was terrified of anyone else.  Then something changed, and she decided I was the greatest thing on two legs.  When I came home she would melt down and scrabble scrabble at the front glass door; ohmygod she’s home and it’s been SO LONG.

Sakura started out as a foster for us; we had her twice and each time she went back to the rescue for a potential adoption.  Then the rescue coordinator died unexpectedly, and she came back for another foster.  The very first time we had her she escaped for six days.  She’d been with us for an hour and a half. As a last resort we closed the dog door to keep the other dogs in and left the back gate open.  At 5 am we heard her singing the song of her people; a light, occasional keening.  We looked out the window. There she was, lying in the raised herb bed, looking into the distance.  I sneaked around through the front door and closed the gate and there she was, trapped.  Damn it, I’m sure she thought. This was meant to be a visit, not a return.  She escaped in a variety of ways; the last (so far!) was when Nate had her and Oso and Hikari at Lowe’s, and there was a large CLANG that startled both him and the dogs.  She pulled and got away, and bam; no Sakura.  A teenage boy, trying to help, started to chase her and when that happens, she swiftly flees.  That time she was gone for seven days, harness and leash still on, managing to cross the three busiest streets in Longmont; until another teenager managed to get her when her leash tangled in a bush and there she was, coming back to a tolerated, slightly beloved family.

The Love Burrito

The car window was open and suddenly she was out and I braked.  O God.  Is she alive? Yes, but one of her legs is twisted.  Off to the vet.  No, it can’t be saved.  So that’s how Hikari ended up as a tripod.  She manfully (bitchfully?) trundles along, indominatable, always ready when there’s noise in the kitchen because SOMEONE not her is probably getting scraps of food and how dare they.  The one good thing that came out of the window adventure is that now when she’s in the car she is flat on the seat.  Lessons learned.

We call her the love burrito when she’s up on the bed.  She looks around, vaguely surprised to be higher than others, very much pleased at that state; and snuggles next to Nate.  She’s also the floor alligator when she’s on the ground, and the lawn alligator when she’s in the front yard.  The front yard is fun:  she and Oso romp and do the Shiba-Akita 500 around and around and around the fenced perimeter.  There’s grass to be eaten, and next door cats to be stared at, and people walking by from whom to receive pets.  And there’s Trixie, the cat next door, who is not particularly dog-oriented and with whom both Oso and Burrito are enamored.  They will stand with heads through the fence slats, staring.  She once got her head through and was trying for the rest of her body (which would never happen; she’s far too stocky) and we had to extricate her.  She likes the front yard a lot.

She’s bossy and she likes attention. If she feels insufficient attention is being paid she will thoughtfully chew on something she shouldn’t and then look at whichever of us is in the room.  Did you notice that?  Did you like that rug/shoe/chair leg?  You did?  Well, what about me?  DO YOU LIKE ME?”  We like her and love her; we tolerate her behavior and work to change it.

Once a gentleman at Home Depot stopped and asked “Would you take a picture of the two of us?”  He too was missing a leg; blown off in Afghanistan.  If we could have cloned Burrito we would have done so then and there.

Her real name is Hikari but lately she’s been nothing but Burrito.  Burrito, Burrito, Burrito; our staunch, trying, lovely Burrito.

Chowder

When we were driving back from Kansas I kept looking behind us.  Was there really a dog in the back seat?  A big dog?  It was so quiet!  And yes, every time he was there, curled up as much as a 70 pound dog could on a car backseat, eyes open and tail thumping when I looked.  We got home and it was too late to take him to the rescue so we set up a very large crate and put him in for the night.  Even then I think we knew.

And then in the morning Nate and I looked at each other and said yeah, he’s not going anywhere but here.  And his name isn’t Champion, even though that’s what’s on the papers.  What could it be?  He’s oh so handsome, and oh so well behaved.  Oh.  His name is Oso.

It took him a few months to go from skin and bones to 100 pounds.  He’s got a big chowder head and a tongue that doesn’t stop; licking is apparently his most important sense and he’ll try it on anyone he can.  People are yummy.

He accompanies Nate almost everywhere he goes:  breweries, bookstores, art galleries, Home Depot, Veterans Day parades.  People recognize Oso far more than they recognize us.  He’s just the right height to be huggable for children, who will hug the heck out of him whenever they can.

He’s white with a big patch of brown and black over one eye.  Nate says his mother was scared by a St. Bernard.  When we say he’s an Akita some people take a step back, but then they come forward again because how could you not?  He’s oh so kind and oh so sweet.

When we hear barking we know he is teasing the French mastiffs in the yard behind ours.  This gives me heartburn as they are 140 lbs each and not very well socialized except within their pack. As soon as we knock on the window or yell “Oso” he comes trotting back, well satisfied with himself.

When Nate takes him to the breweries he is almost universally admired.  If someone doesn’t make a fuss over him I feel like going to the table and saying “What’s wrong with you?  This is OSO.  He’s beloved!”  At The Tasty Weasel, where he is universally enjoyed, he will cruise tables asking for peanuts.

His life would be complete if only he could get on the bed.  We are of the opinion that two people of reasonable size and one very large dog might be a bit much for the bed frame; to say nothing of the fact that if he was a bed monger (like Gus) there would be no room for the reasonably-sized people.  So instead he sleeps on the kitchen floor (there are rugs and dog beds available), directly below the sink.

He is the very gentle leader of a very assorted pack. Hikari will chew on his tail and undercarriage and he will tolerate it but when he’s tired of it he’ll let her know. And every once in a while Sakura will get him in a play bow and then they play, Little and Large, all about the house.

Oso is the heart of our family. He is the greeter, the goodbye-er, and the quiet, waking presence alongside everything we do in the house. He makes us better people, and somehow even makes our marriage sweeter. O so sweeter.

Juvenalia

Ah, poems from when I was in my teens and twenties.  Some are not bad; it’s always a little embarrassing to look back at things I thought were SO GREAT and realize that they’re okay but not THE GREATEST THING EVER.  The confidence of youth.

 

At Home In The Body

Resident of a half-vacant flat

I watch the mirror for signs

Of use:  who to let in, what

To see.  The postal label peels.

I can’t quite read the letters.

Smoother corners than my room is worn to

Echo upwards in the dull air.

I am a small thing hunched over

A warmth that outlines my life.

I don’t move much.

The windows fall like sunlight

Across the room.  The small thing

Extends a hand, imagines bones

The bars of light shift slightly.

We are property, and property

Is theft:  I cannot cotton the eaves

To shut out sounds of ownership.

Slowly,

Assuredly,

Footfalls rise

On the neglected stair.

 

Snow Fences

Inside the letters there is no weather.

The deer startle Joanna in the backseat

There on the edge they await her cry.

Don’t you realize it’s the first snow?

High was we are, who knows the others

Seeing what we see.

Inside the words fit like a glove

So frozen it cannot write.

Until I asked, who knew what the fences were for?

Keeping nothing in or out, like blown tires on the road’s shoulder

Explaining why we drive

Until we are driven.

 

I Worry Over Small Words

I worry over small words

To make them speak to you

As if I cared.

 

In the light I follow birds

That croak of all things new

I worry over small words

Because I want them heard

The false ones and the true

As if I cared.

 

Apart from what’s occurred

I look for things to do.

I worry over small words

To make them speak to you

As if I cared.

 

Sociability

Where is that buzzing coming from?  Is it a horsefly?  I hate horseflies. The welts are big and itchy and last for days. Besides, there are no horses on the island. Although the mudroom does smell of horse; an unexplained mystery.

Maybe it’s a deerfly. There are deer on the island.  Four of them. I saw three of the four yesterday, when walking the east side road. I’d not walked this on my own before, so I checked back at every turn to recognize markers, particular trees; No Thru Road sign. We were down a No Thru Road; up the drive and left; stop.

I hate deerflies.

But it’s a bee. I sit in the prow of the house and look up and she’s buzzing; not frantic, not lazy; just moving around in a somewhat disorderly manner.

Nate opens the door to tempt her down. The bee ascends ever higher. NO I CAN’T BE OUT THERE. UP HERE ONLY NO DOWN.

Finally she descends, ending up a few feet from me, testing the window edge where rain had leaked in.

Now a bee outside, bumping the window. OUT HERE, DUDE!

I think I’ll get a glass and reunite her with her sister.

As soon as I form the intent, she soars into the skylight; an only occasionally sociable bee.

I settle in to read my book, accompanied by the occasional musical buzz.

An hour later I look over at the window sill where she has alit and waits expectantly.  I get the glass, slide a paper on under it, and send her outside to soar. Perhaps she’ll find her sister bee, who is out saving other fellow travelers. Perhaps she won’t. I’ll never know.

No Fun At All (guest post by Mackey Chandler)

Jeremy Kyle was hurting. He’d got a whipping from his uncle Earl on top of the one from Billie Lee Osborne and a lecture about how the only way to deal with a bully was to stand your ground and fight them, even if you got whipped. It rankled him that his uncle felt it his place to act like his daddy, even if he was living under the man’s roof.

He was still heart broke that his daddy died going on a year ago now and instead of sympathy uncle Earl seemed to think everything gave him cause to ‘toughen’ the boy up. It was irritating as hell that his old uncle could still whoop his ass one handed when he was fourteen. With Billie Lee he stood a chance. That boy was just mean and didn’t have his full growth much more than Jeremy. Uncle Earl was a full head high over him and twice as wide. Years of felling trees and cutting lumber gave him a grip like a vise and massive shoulders and arms.

It didn’t seem like he’d ever grow out of his skinny long arms and legs. He had delicate long fingers his grandma said were meant to play piano, but with his ma and pa dead and living off the charity of relatives, that was a joke. He didn’t know anybody who could afford a piano. He didn’t even know anybody who had a house big enough to fit one in.

Uncle Earl was agreeable that Jeremy might not wina fight. He admitted up front he’d got the bad end of a few over the years. He pointed out some fathers would give a boy a whipping for losing. But he was absolutely firm that you had to give it a go. He wasn’t mad Jeremy lost. He was mad he tried to run.

“You watch all those nature shows on the TV,” he reminded him. “There’s two kinds of critters in this world. There’s the ones that get up in the morning and go looking for breakfast, and then there’s the ones that wake up and are looking over their shoulder scared before they ever take a morning piss, because they know they are breakfast. What do you call them?”

“Prey,” Jeremy supplied.

“Well if you want to be like that, looking over your shoulder and jumping at every little noise, afraid all your life, then keep running. Once you make a habit of that, Billie Lee and all his kind will never give you any peace. They’ll go after anything running, like a mean dog.”

“My teacher is just as likely to punish me as the guy making me fight,” Jeremy pointed out. “She and the district head don’t believe in self defense for anything. I’m going to have detentions, or even get suspended if I leave a mark on Billie Lees face.”

“Miss Blanchard is paid by the government to come up here in the hills ofAppalachia,”he said with a sarcastic twist. He never did like that word. “She’s set to teach us poor hillbillies about civilization, like we was a bunch of heathen savages. That’s fine, you need all your letters and such you can get to live today. But this isn’t Cleveland, and things don’t work in the hills like they do there, and maybe never will. You do what’s by God right andI’ll stand by you with Miss Blanchard. If you get a suspension, well they got to let you come back. I spent a few days in jail when I was younger. If you aim to never upset nobody, you’re gonna be a damn little mouse of a man.”

That was yesterday and it was good it was Friday. He had the weekend to get over being sore and he didn’t have to see Billie Lee again for a couple days. Billie was always all agitated about something. By Monday chances were he’d be on somebody else’s case. Miss Blanchard ground her teeth a lot dealing with Billie and said he was borderline something or the other that didn’t sound good. But she’d never lift a hand to him no matter how much trouble he stirred up.

He didn’t want to see uncle today either. He got a hunk of cornbread left over from yesterday and a candy bar he had saved in his dresser. He put a length of fishing line wound on a stick and a snuff tin of hooks and bobbers in his jeans. If he decided to fish he’d cut a pole wherever he happened to be.

His daddy had given him an old nine-shot .22 revolver before he died. Uncle had not taken that away. He actually felt better about Jeremy roaming around out in the woods if he took it. They just had another big talk like he’d had with his dad about responsibility and never, never, ever, taking it to school. That got tucked in his waist and some loose cartridges in his jeans pocket, with the pocket knife and the few coins he had right now.

He had on his sneakers that were too ratty for school, with holes worn in the sides where they bend, his Tractor Supply Company t-shirt and a baseball hat that said DRB across the front. He had no idea what that stood for. It had been in the lost and found box at the diner forever, so he’s rescued it. That’s where he’d got his sunglasses too.

* * *

Diroc worried the last little bit of flesh off the bone and tossed it in the bushes. He had gobbled it down so fast he let out a mighty belch. Yorpac hadn’t been as thrilled with the deer as his partner. It had given them a good chase and the pheromones it threw off in terror had been just lovely. He just didn’t care for the flavor. The People had excellent taste and sense of smell. He could taste too much of the bitter plants the deer had been eating in its meat.

Still, this world might be worth claiming as a private hunting preserve. The People did not trade, nor did they form alliances. They claimed worlds as private preserves and occasionally they found those who objected. About two thousand years ago they had found a race who objected so strenuously, that six worlds of the People had been rendered uninhabitable. They now refrained from any expansion in that direction.

This world had a very heavy population of bipods, that looked like they really needed to be managed back to a more sustainable level. The People always saw to it that a race they owned was taken care of and properly managed and responsibly harvested. They probably would not be as fast as the deer they’d just run down, but maybe they’d taste better too.

The alien chemistry of the deer didn’t bother them at all. They had a digestive system that processed anything remotely organic with an efficiency that made a Death Angel mushroom a spicy garnish. Diroc had eaten a discarded plastic water bottle a few miles back and thought it had a pleasant texture even if it had little flavor. In fact the People sorted others into two groups, fun to eat and impossible to digest due to owning Nova bombs.

Just another half hour and they’d come to a cluster of the bipods and get a decent sample.

* * *

Jeremy was deep in thought climbing the long familiar trail. He’d cut himself a good hiking staff from a downed maple tree. He’d eaten the cornbread and was saving the candy bar for later. He didn’t think he was done with Billie Lee and he was working himself up to a good snit. If he couldn’t punch his face in without getting blamed for defending himself then he needed to use his head. How could he give him a really memorable thumping and not leave a mark above the neck? Didn’t somebody tell him a piece of hose left no marks?

He looked up and there were two very strange creatures walking down the trail toward him side by side. They were sort of dog like, but big for a dog. The head and shoulders were kind of exaggerated, like a male lion. They wore stuff, not clothing exactly, but a collar and a sort of harness around the shoulders and crazy as it seemed, what looked like safety glasses.

When they got real close they had a pink triangle of a nose like a cat and they were both actively twitching. You didn’t have to be real smart to see they were not animals.

* * *

As they came down the trail well, here came a native, climbing to meet them. He should have been able to see them from far away, but he didn’t slink away into the brush.

“Is he blind?” Diroc asked. “Why didn’t he take off when he saw us?”

“He’d have to be deaf too, not to hear you bellowing to me.”

“Maybe we look like some local animal. When he gets closer and realizes we’re different he’ll soil himself. Be ready for him to give us a good chase.”

“He’s awfully little,” Yorpac remarked critically. “The ones we saw from the ship were easily twice his size.”

When they got close they all stopped. Jeremy could not have reached out and touched them, but he could have reached them with the hiking staff. He was well inside their jumping distance, but he had no reference for comparison.

Now that he was close they looked very much like the paper mache lions on each side of the entryway at the Thai restaurant in town. Sort of cartoonish. He wasn’t sure what business these weird creatures had in mind, but he could sure tell they were not from around here.

This was his country, his horizons kept him from thinking his planet. But it was his mountain and sure as hell his trail. He had pretty well had all the back down and run knocked out of him yesterday, so that option just never occurred to him.

“He doesn’t smell afraid,” Diroc said disappointed.

“No, no, I’d say he smells angry, Yorpac agreed. It was actually more entertaining, because Diroc was so out of his element.

“A little noise and a display of teeth will fix that,” Diroc assured him. He didn’t step closer, but he leaned forward, opened his mouth wide and gave a mighty roar.

Jeremy smacked him right on that pink nose with the maple shaft so hard the last six inches busted off.

“Oh, oh, oh, I think he busted it.” He said holding his nose in both hands.

“Oh come on, you big sissy. It isn’t even bleeding.”

Then the native did the damndest thing. He clearly motioned with his free hand for them to get out of his way.

“Of all the impudent…I’m going to just shoot this crazy biped. He’s obviously deranged. Probably driven out by his own kind to wonder the hills until he dies.” He drew his weapon and pointing at the sky he thumbed the charging bar, with a chuh-chunk.

Jeremy had been taught responsibility for owning a pistol, but when somebody pulled a gun out and waved it around, that was a direct threat. He pulled the .22 out of his waist and held it pointed up, the same as the critter and rolled the hammer back. The click, click, click, was loud in the silent woods.

“I do believe that is a projectile weapon,” Yorpac cautioned his friend.

“It doesn’t look like much of one,” Diroc said, but he kept his gun pointed at the sky.

“I’ll have that engraved, on your memorial plaque in your clan hall, if you are wrong.”

“He smells really pissed off now,” Diroc noted.

“Uh-huh. Why don’t we just back up a bit?” he suggested sensibly.

After they had a little distance Yorpac suggested. “How about if you turn around and holster your weapon? I’ll keep an eye on him.” When Dirac had done so, Jeremy stuck his pistol back in his waist band.

Yorpac considered the conciliatory nature of that matching gesture, the distance they had opened up, and turned away like his friend. Not without a certain itchy feeling at having his back to the native, even at a good long range for a hand weapon.

“I’m pretty sure that was an immature specimen of the locals,” Yorpac decided. Unsaid was if the kids were so hard case nasty, and run around the woods armed, what were the adults like?

“Yeah, they looked so promising from afar.”

“My vote is we write this one off,” Yorpac suggested. “It looks to be more trouble than it is worth.”

“Oh yeah, ” Diroc agreed. “The locals are just no damn fun at all!”

Hair Neat, Thumb Raised

The milk of human kindness was running a little thin along Highway 34 this afternoon, Holly thought; one hour waiting in the same place.  She picked up her pack, scuffed out her name in the dust along the exit, and moved a few yards past the highway sign.

She’d had plenty of time to contemplate her rules of the road and come up with some others.  She was glad to be self-entertaining:  The current rules:  Always smile when your thumb is out.  But not like a maniac.  Look as if you’re not on drugs (pretty easy, when you’re not).  Keep your hair neat, or somewhere approaching neat.  Do not carry more than one large bag or two smaller ones.  Always remember that all people are not good, no matter how much you need to believe that.

After the move the first ride came in a short minute.  The Great American Ride:  a white man in his forties, looking for something to break the monotony of commuting, or work, or marriage, or something for which he had as few words as she did.  She’s been pretty lucky so far; no one’s tried anything.  She’s turned down the rides where the driver said “I don’t usually pick up hitchhikers, but you looked so lost”. Or “You know, you shouldn’t do this.  A girl alone.  There are lots of crazies out there”. Or “If my daughter ever did this, I don’t know what I’d do.”

Holly loves the people she’s met on the road.  No attachments, no past or future — only the odd sides that one only shows to strangers.  She’s gotten rides from house painters who were glider pilots, a much-tattooed Hell’s Angels couple, an old woman taking her non-Engish-speaking Central American house guest through a rainstorm to a Friends meeting; women who talk to ravens, young fathers with children in safety seats and apologetic smiles.

There was a school bus driver who picked her up at the end of his route in Utah. He talked of plans to buy a small farm and asked what she knew about solar heating (it sounded like a good idea, she thought).  He bemoaned his wife’s arthritis and said he wouldn’t trade her anyway, though he wasn’t sure she’d say the same for him. Holly promised to call if she came through again.  His wife would enjoy it, he said.

A boy picked Holly up on a Nevada freeway; looking tough in a cowboy hat and torn denims, working on an overly-large wad of tobacco.  He tried to be laconic but couldn’t stop talking:  running away from parents with college expectations for him and divorce plans for themselves, on the road in a birthday-present pickup with no destination and no experience.

Forty miles on, he asked if Holly would mind if he dropped her off.

“Forgot something back in town,” he said.

“No trouble,” said Holly.  In that state, the highways legally belonged to those with thumbs.

He drove away in the morning light.  His parents probably never even knew he had gone.

She’d had two rides with mothers and daughters, an unexpected treat.  She felt like the adventure in their lives.  Something they’ll chat about with their husbands, casually.  “Guess who I met today, Scott?  A girl who’s going around the world!”  Going from California to Omaha wasn’t quite the adventure they needed from her, she had thought.

The ability to lie at will was part of what she liked about hitchhiking.  She could remake her life into something interesting and unusual, something unbroken by anger and indifference.  Lying about where she was going and where she came from seemed sensible; just like creating someone over six feet who eagerly awaited her arrival was a small insurance policy.

The last ride of the day:  another boy in a pickup truck.  She was learning that in this state, a pickup truck without a gun rack and guns was like a cradle without a child.  He coaxed extra miles from a reluctant gas tank, as Holly held a partly-latched door tight against the freeway wind.  His last traveling was as a child, coming to Colorado with his parents from Mexico.  Travel.  He’d like to travel, but doesn’t feel allowed to say so; his eyes speak for him.

Holly got out at the town’s main intersection.  A young girl – six? eight? – rested in the back of a crowded station wagon; bored, tired.  She looked at Holly standing by the side of the road; tired, weary, smiling.  The girl smiles back.  That’s the right ending for my day, Holly thought.  She’s got everything before her.  I’ve got everything before me.

The Greatest Penny Luck Collection

Another one!  That made 45 cents for the day. How people could walk by when there was money, actual money, on the ground was something she couldn’t understand. Why, she found enough in a week or two to buy a lottery ticket!  That was her budget:  only money found on the ground. That made for the best luck possible, and didn’t take anything away from the regular household.

That was one thing she never thought she’d have:  a household. A house and people to hold.

The bus stopped and Holly got on. That was one of the numbers they’d run one night:  would it be better to take the bus or to have two cars? The cars gave flexibility but then there was maintenance, insurance, gas; there were repairs and there was the daily commute that had her reaching work with teeth gritted and both hands clutching the wheel. As long as there was one car then one of them could deal with any home emergencies and Lord knows there’s always plenty to be had. She’d done her research and found the Employer Community Pass page; how lucky that she’d been able to talk Steve into buying a community pass for her and Sheila and Greg. Without that, taking the bus would be twenty times more expensive. Sometimes she and Sheila took the bus downtown to sit and people watch and eat their lunches.

And bus stops were lucky:  she almost always found some change, carelessly spilled, not worth the slight energy to pick up. It was worth it to her.  It’s not that there were careless people there were people who were careless about things.  She never wants others to judge her based on one action.  Or inaction.

She learned how to take action when she ran away from Mom and Dad.  Why would a woman lock a six-year old girl out of the house?  Why would a father tolerate that?  And when she got older the constant reminders in her ear:  you’re no good; no one will want you except to fuck and leave; you’re a moron who can’t even do the dishes right.  She did judge her dad, she guessed.  On his inaction.

At least with hitchhiking, there was the chance that someone might be nice to her.  And there again she was lucky.  She knew the odds were against her and she stopped once she got to Omaha.  That would be a good city, she thought; all midwestern and corn-fed.  She liked corn.  But Omaha had its share of bad boyfriends and abortions and drugs and alcohol.  She at least never drank or drugged:  she knew that would take away all self-respect and that was the one thing she owned outright with no debt to someone else.

One time she’d gone for two months without a job and they were the worst two months of her life:  worse than when Mom hit her and said she wished she’d never had a kid and why did that loser talk her out of an abortion, worse than when daddy looked at her without hope and pulled another beer out of the fridge.

Holly sat, knitting.  That was about the only thing Mom gave her, the knowledge to knit and purl and drop a stitch at exactly the right time. She liked picking out the colors at garage sales:  every Friday she’d check the garage sales lists for people who had let their houses and minds get cluttered with one-day-I’ll-do-it projects. Usually the yarn was acrylic, so unless she couldn’t resist the color she’d pass; but sometimes there’d be wool; and last weekend, treasure!  Skein after skein of silk in shimmering colors. She’d bought them all.

She looked down at the small hat she was knitting. It was acrylic; but then, babies didn’t need wool and silk on their heads.  How she was lucky enough to bear a child after what she’d put her ladyparts through she’ll never know.

Thank goodness John’s company provided health insurance.  Steve was a good employer and she’d learned everything she knew about accounting from his wife – now his ex-wife; now she was the full charge bookkeeper and had the pleasure of making things balance daily.  She didn’t know why only college counted as education.  She’d learned a hell of a lot when she was scared and homeless and now there was always the library if she wanted to know something, like What To Expect When You’re Expecting and The First Twelve Months of Life.

Steve said she could do the books from home once she was past the first month of momhood.  She was still thinking about it.

Holly got off the bus.  The store she bought tickets at was just down and on the left.  She chose the Powerball:  hey, it had been a good month for change.  As she walked out with a little bit of hope in her pocket she thought:  Maybe that’s what we’ll name the baby.  Hope.

The Last Good Time

I remember a little girl,” he said

Yes!” I said. “Her name was Danielle – a perfect, tiny child — and you were convinced Annie had booked the B&B specifically because her mom was black and her dad was white. Danielle was charmed by you and followed you around the whole time. She sat next to you and you convinced her to give you her security blanket; she kept a close eye to make sure it came back to her.”

Beginning in Denver, the trip was a joy. People everywhere. People to talk to! One lady in a dramatic hat and tiny skirt suggested places to go and things to do in Seattle. I wasn’t sure we’d go to the Pussy Galore Theater, but she offered her suggestions in a helping spirit, so I listened. On the flight, my ramrod-straight seatmate said if I ran into any problems I should call her and she would help. She had the Air Force family habit of making friends wherever they go. Gifts of service, gifts of help.

I had read about Pike Street Market before our travels; I was not prepared for the noisy, colorful, welcoming chaos. There were fish stands everywhere but no smell of fish. Apparently all those people who say fresh fish doesn’t have a smell are in fact right.

We walked down the endless hill climb steps and found ourselves on the wharf. Seagulls circling, landing, squawking. They did not look starving, but of course we fed them. If we hadn’t, how would we know we were by the ocean?

Aquarium, museum, the magnificent homes of Mercer Island – how did we have the energy to do that all in one day? I sit here at home and think it would be a challenge just to spend an hour at the Pike Street Market now. I don’t feel old. I feel young. How can I be 30 years old inside my heart and 80 in my body?

She liked you,” he said.

Yes,” I said.

We sat in the living room and read and then Danielle came to sit in my lap and so I could read stories to her. She played with my earrings – one came off – and opened and shut the silver locket Annie gave me. Then the next morning we read the Post-Intelligencer. Then: quick steps and a light voice on the stair: “Mom, where are those people?” Then she found us. “Mom, I found them!” She smiled at me. “Can I sit on your lap and show you my Sunday outfit?”

It was hard to leave Danielle. I love the spirit of children – I remember the gypsy who said I’d have six children and she was right: three children, three miscarriages. I remember when my babies grew up and became individuals in their own right. Now they are scattered and I can’t take all of them in my arms and hug them and tell them everything will be all right. Jack once said, “You know, Mom, you lied to me.” “What?” “You told me all people were good.” At least he was there to hug. I think Annie was trying to hug us back, Tom and me, with the gift of this trip.

It was green everywhere,” he said.

Yes,” I said. “Remember the green?”

All different shades and textures. We still have one of the leaves pressed into our daybook. Danielle’s parents told us all the hard work it took to convert the abandoned boarding house into their welcoming home. Digging out the sprawl of laurel bushes, trimming the ones that stayed, and replanting, weeding, standing back, admiring. I remember how nice that was for us when we put in the lilacs in the back yard. And now they smell so sweet in the spring. The bees and butterflies come to the flowers when I sit down on the front bench and keep me company. I sit at the front bench a lot, now, when I’m tired and angry.

Are you going to the front bench?” he asked.

No. Not now. That must be Gina at the front door. She’ll take care of you. I have to go,” I said.

Time for my Alzheimer’s caregivers group.

Paul

He looked at the cards as he carefully cleaned out the old wallet from his bottom drawer.  Story of his life.  Thirty-five years on the Burlington, twenty years in the Masons, basic mileage ration card from 1944, untold number of years in the Lions and Elks and Optimists and Rotary.  And who was left?  None that he could tell.  His daughter Violet said he should use Facebook and search to see who is alive; but he’s afraid there will be no one.  Violet always has good ideas but they take too much time and energy.  He opened his usual wallet and looked at his lists.  The vacations he and Virginia took; the dates he worked at various companies; the birthdays of his family and friends.  He didn’t write in the dates they died for those who were gone; that felt too final.

And now, everything is going.  The estate sale people said they’d take good care of his things and make sure they went to good homes, but he didn’t know how they could do that.  Should everyone buying something fill out an application for him to approve?  “I hereby swear that every time I wear this hat I will think of the person who made it.”  That was Virginia, who spent at least a year knitting furiously after their son died.  She needed something to do with her hands other than wring them and wipe her eyes.  And all those skeins of wool–who was going to buy them?  What would they make of them?  Why were they knitting?  Questions, all these questions, and no answers.  He chuckled.  He should be used to unanswered questions by now. That’s what someone gets for being curious all his life.

At least he wasn’t going to the limbo of assisted living.  He was going to have his own apartment, and his own dignity, and his own independence.  What was left of it.

What does he really need?  The pictures are important but they won’t mean anything to anyone else but Violet, and she won’t know half the people in them.  All those people in the photos lived on through him, and he’s starting to puzzle over names now.  Remember all the pretty girls in their summer dresses?  He looked at the first page of the small album.  Cut-out pictures of smiling ladies he remembers fondly; the tilt of the head, the hand to the cheek.  All the good times they had; picnics and gatherings and parties.  And walks in the summer sun.

The sale would be starting soon.  He wasn’t sure he wanted to be there.  People looking at his things and walking by all the meaning that had accumulated over the years.  Each rejection would be a rejection of him and the items he’s used and yes, loved, over the years. But he wanted to be there, to say goodbye, to see each venture out into its new life.  He hoped they would have new lives.  They had served him well.

The estate ladies had set up the tables and put up the signs and placed the ads.  Everything was ready except him.

And the door opened.

He sat on the couch (priced at $100) and watched as the flood of people looked at his things, picked them up, and then put them down.

A girl picked up the album.  And didn’t put it down.

She asked the estate sale ladies “What do you know about this?”  They said “Nothing—but he will,” and pointed to Paul.  She came over, sat down, and opened the album.  “Hi, I’m Holly.  Why did you cut out these pictures?  Who are they?  Look at their smiles.  I feel like I know them from those smiles.”

“That’s the album I made to keep with me when I was on the road for business.”

She took out a notebook.  “Tell me more.”

“Well, this girl here is Deirdre.  She was my first girlfriend.  We held hands in school and then became just friends and then she was the best friend of Virginia, my wife.  And this is Helen.  She worked the farm next to ours all on her own and did better than a lot of men would have.  Emily came from Germany and her cousin John was my business partner.  See these cards?  This one was for our company.”

And then, it had been an hour and the notebook was full.  “You’ve been wonderful,” she said.  “I’m going to have a baby, and she won’t have any grandparents or anyone other than John and me in her life.  I need to have some stories to tell her and you’ve given me a lifetime’s worth.  Would you mind if I gave you a hug?”

No.

Everything felt brighter after that.  At the end of the day he told the estate sale ladies that whatever was left could be donated to the church bazaar, then he went to bed even earlier than usual.

The next morning he got out of bed, sat on the floor, and did his usual stretches.  He remembered his cousin Casey, who was a visiting preacher until he was 99.  Casey did five sit-ups every morning.  The whole day stretched before Paul; he felt possibilities in the air that he hadn’t sensed for years.  Perhaps he would go out for coffee.

Waiting in line, he looked about the cafe.  What a mix of old and young, mothers and children, construction workers and students.  Half of them had computers open in front of them.  He watched people in line.  One guy was rumpled and be-bearded and clearly homeless.  The lady taking his order knew his name.  She knew his order.  So if he ever lost his apartment, he could count on at least one person greeting him. Another lady ordered and turned away, smiling.  She had horrible teeth but didn’t let that stop her from radiating confidence and joy.

He ordered his coffee and sat down near a table of men near his own age, each of whom had a book open on the table.  Ah.  A Bible group.  One of the men turned and caught him looking. “Hi, friend.  How are you?  Pull up a chair and join us.  That’s how we built this group, inviting people in.  You look like someone who will have something to say.”

Why not, he thought.  Why not.

He pulled his chair around and looked over at his neighbor’s bible. The man at the end of the table cleared his throat and began to speak.

“Please turn to the Psalms.  Today we will be discussing Psalm 133, verse 1.  Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together on unity.”

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